Sometimes I am so busy living my best life, that I do not take due care to keep focused, intentional and in tune with who I am and what I am created to do. When there is resistance or a wave of disapproval, I find myself floundering. The voices come: “Why would you want to do a thing like that?” “You’ve taken it too far.” “How much is enough?” “I hope you’ve got enough money.” “Are you mad?” “Better you than me.” “What about culture?” “You’re older now.” “What were you thinking?” “You’re brave.” (said in a tone that makes you think they mean they think you will fail.) Have you ever branched out to do what you know you need to do and heard these words in response? Or maybe there is simply nervous laughter or uncomfortable shuffling, the biting of lips or the shaking of heads to meet your news; or frowns and silence, no words at all.
We are in the midst of an adoption story. It’s been a very long time of trying to reach the official stage and so we find ourselves with a baby become child who is completely ours, unofficially adopted without question, and yet we are at the mercy of the law who can simply take our little one away. On numerous occasions we have gasped in shock and howled together when news has come to say they will be coming to take this treasured member of our family away. It’s as if a wounded animal charges and blind panic ensues; yet each time it has been a mock charge. After the dust settles, all is eerily still and we wonder is the beast hiding and waiting for another attempt, or has Aslan ripped him to shreds for us?
Take heart! Don’t lose heart! It’s always been a matter of the heart, this gutsy faith walk that says I will believe even when I cannot see. When a baby in the womb is the size of a pea, the Creator sets in motion a beat that drums like a love song cross a war dance and no matter where you find yourself, if you listen carefully, you know what to do. Everywhere hearts are beating and it’s not just about staying alive, its about abundant life and cleansing blood and love! It’s about purpose, a unique path, passion and a great deal of courage. The imagery, the poetry, the physical and the divine, the very core of us all wrapped up in this pulsing masterpiece. God will fulfil all His promises. Every time I have taken a leap of faith He has caught me. He will never leave me. He will carry me. He is my way, my truth, my life. These are some of the words that go along with the faithful rhythm of my heart.
Not only are we waiting for a signed and sealed adoption, but we are expecting a new baby! It just pours around here! We are jolly pleased with the way life is going yet the most common thought that plagues us when we wonder how to share the news is “what will people say?” We have a large family as it is and it’s only getting bigger and a lot of people have a lot to say when people fail to tow the line it seems. Wondering what people will say is not a secure realm of thoughts in which to dwell, especially when their responses do come, shrouded with their own insecurities, failures and fears. It’s all well and good to say everyone is entitled to their own opinions and that we won’t mind when people disagree or aren’t happy for us, but I’ve clearly taken some things to heart that I should never have.
It all began with some pains in my back or my chest, I couldn’t be sure. Deep chest pains that would wake me up in the night. They didn’t last very long, but a restless, persistent anxiety settled in good and proper. So much so that the relentless pregnancy nausea became something in the background rather than the only thing I could think of, and my heart felt sick. The GP got in a flap over my age and the irregular beats and, promptly, sent me off to a heart specialist. Seems I was there twelve years ago. They found my notes, and it truly was my hand writing, but the previous tests had shown nothing to worry about, and this time was different. There were reams of paper showing highs and lows, mountains and valleys across sheets of paper to prove that a premature beat was occurring between every appropriate beat. My son looked at the sheet when I got home and told me it looked like a Richter scale graph of an earth quake and he’s quite right, there I was having my own personal natural disaster. “It’s probably the cause of your pain,” said the sister, “but it’s good that it’s not getting worse with more intense exercise. Anyway, I don’t know what the professor is going to do for you. With the baby on the way, it’s going to be more difficult to treat this.”
I walked back into the waiting room, where my mom was waiting for me. If you ever think that your children are nearly grown up and your time will be your own now, I hate to tell you it’s not really the case. In this week of heart distress, my parents have driven me and clucked over me and made sure my children and I are where we need to be. A mother’s job is never done, apparently. I sat puffing next to her. I had just pounded up hill on a treadmill, wires all around, to confirm that my heart was not doing as it should whether I was resting or active. I was feeling bewildered, small and incapable of fixing this predicament when a rush of realisation came over me. I had given into fear, I had forgotten how to be me as I puzzled over how to be acceptable to everyone around me, I was clearly trying to create a more inconspicuous beat where I could fly under the radar a bit more and I was trying to control the uncontrollable. Our circumstances and the way I was carrying the load was resulting in genuine heart ache. I repented right there in a room full of people, each of them caught up in their own stories and not even seeming to notice. I repented of being afraid. I repented of losing my own true beat – the drum beat God has been wooing me to dance to all my life. I repented of trying to create a new beat, such a feeble, out-of-place one at that. As the beats were out of kilter so were my convictions, my passion and my authentic rhythm. Fielding reactions and questions about new babies whether via adoption or the womb made me question my heart, my motives and whether I really am out of my mind. (By the way, I have enough truth-telling, loyal friends around me to know that I am completely sane, even if I am crazy. They will vouch for me.) We then also prayed and asked God to give the professor wisdom and that he would speak God’s words over me rather than leaving me to go back into the world with a heavy diagnosis to bear.
I got called in, and there I lay. Not at the mercy of a learned man, but at the mercy of God. Nobody knows me and my heart like He does. Staring at the ceiling, cold sheet, cold, gloved hands all over my chest, and then, suddenly, there on the screen my heart looking quite jaunty. I was impressed. The professor announced a regular beat and that all the unwelcome ones had ‘mysteriously’ disappeared. Clearly there a few minutes ago, not there now. “This heart looks big,” he says and whilst he doesn’t look happy, I think to myself that hearts needing courage in this life would need to be quite large. He takes the measurements and tells me there is no cause for concern it’s absolutely normal, but I have taken away with me that it is a big, normal heart and it should be. He looks and looks and even he seems impressed. Eventually, he tells me to sit up and where minutes before I was being told I wouldn’t be able to get treatment in my condition, the professor is now telling me I don’t even need treatment. He said “So! What do we do with you? We leave you alone!”
The good man left the room thinking he was allowing me to dress in private but as he clicked shut the door, I dropped to my knees and raised my hands in gratitude to the only One who could mend such disarray. I turned that simple doctor’s room into my own little cathedral for a moment – determined to capture the mystery, the miracle, the holiness of the space in which I found myself. The one who sets our beats, removed the extra one that should never have been there. I knelt there washed in mercy. We saw my heart with our own eyes and it was just right. The specialist had no diagnosis, no advice even other than to leave me alone.
My mom broke into tribal jubilation calling “makorokoto!” (“Congratulations!”) as the nurses handed us the report and waved goodbye. There is nothing quite like good news to wash a waiting room of dread with renewed hope. We then stopped by the GP and I waved that report like a certificate filled with good grades singing to the sister on duty “My heart is happy!”
My GP is not so convinced and is worried something bad is going to happen. She knows too much and has seen too much. She is digging further, seeking advice from another heart expert and is on high alert for me, throwing in reminders that this is very serious and chastising me for brushing it aside. I am not brushing anything anywhere, but I am doing my utmost to leave any worrying up to her. I am not sure anything good will come out of me panicking my way through this quaking season. I trust God and rest in Him. I believe something significant happened in the waiting room, much as the world comes crashing in again straight after to try and minimize and bring doubt.
A reminder from someone who knows: Embracing all kinds of beats to try and be more normal – more acceptable – can result in a lot of pain and a heart that feels like an ape trying to escape from its cage in a zoo. It’s a terrifying place to be. It also gets quite expensive visiting cardiac specialists in order to realise the Great Physician is trying to do a heart surgery for absolutely no cost; other than surrender and trust in Him alone. If someone is expecting a baby and you do not think they should be, I would love to give you my gentlest piece of advice from experience, just say “Congratulations” if you cannot think of anything positive or kind to say. Every little baby deserves a hearty welcome. Also, a pregnant woman is rather fragile and also quite cheeky and it’s not like she can send the baby back if anyone disapproves.
You might have realised that the bible is my treasured reference for all things. More important than food, it holds the words of life and they have rescued me and showed me the way more times than I can count. Psalm 36 v 16 says “He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food.” In Psalm 116 David says that he is overcome with distress and sorrow. He calls for the Lord to save him and He does and then he says “Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.” Do you see it? There is distress and there is bounty. The jaws of distress will only crush and tear apart live prey and we must get out of that dangerous place and run towards the One who is inviting us to so much more! To boundless space, freedom and a table laden with food. As a family, we have given up on a restricted life and fear of lack is not welcome here and it is so interesting to me that our long dreamt of dining table has arrived during this season where snapping jaws have sounded uncomfortably close. A beautiful symbol of his provision and an invitation to feast, even if it feels like we are actually in a war zone. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. – Psalm 23 v 5
I wonder if any of you have been shot down from out of the sky where you were about to actually fly? Perhaps you are feeling like me and can identify with the resistance and disapproval that would like to wipe your delighted grin right off your face. Embrace your own exquisite heartbeat – dance to it with abandon. Put your fingers in your ears if you have to, and look up to the One who believes in you more than any mere mortal ever will. You have absolutely got what it takes and I have heard it said that true courage is feeling afraid but doing it anyway. I am one of the thousands of people cheering you on your way. Take Heart, Dear Heart.
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