Sometimes fear stops us from doing the exact thing we need to be doing. We want to feel absolute peace and a sparkling sense of, “this is definitely right” before we make a move, but it is not often like that in real life. Many times the vastness of the step we need to take means that a great deal of courage is necessary.
Many of you know that one of our children did not come to us the biological way. He wriggled his way into our consciousness and hearts and then one day we got a message to say, “We are five minutes away. Your baby is fast asleep and he is beautiful.” The “storks” were on their way to deliver this child to us. Just days before, our courage had nearly failed us – we were terrified of the unknown. We very nearly said, “No.” We felt out of our depth, unprepared and bewildered. Doug Chapman said, “If you have a heart for adoption, don’t let fear stand in the way.” It’s not even that we had a heart for adoption, I cannot claim to be that noble – but we had a heart for a particular child and we had no idea how to find him until we did. In those last days, hours and minutes before we were united with the very one our hearts longed for, there was a fierce war on, and our desire for peace and control nearly caused us to miss out on our son. The journey has not been easy, but it has been right. I would walk this road a thousand times again because of the priceless gift we have received. I remember the fear, and I stand where I am now and want to tell the me back there, “Just do it! Throw yourself fully into this! It’s an absolute no brainer!” God didn’t make us puppets and He loves it when we live larger than our small, scared selves.
Last year I went on three very different adventures. I wanted to do all three, and I was frightened of all three. One involved a flight with my sister and time away from our husbands and children. Much as the idea of our trip thrilled me, I kept thinking, “Who’s good idea was this anyway? It’s not too late to cancel.” We overcame the doubts and flew. Everyone thrived without us and we were happily reunited having stored up wonderful memories forever. The second hurdle was a weekend away at a place that is idyllic when you only have to think about yourself, but is on the banks of a large body of water. Going meant a huge amount of fun with family and friends, but it also meant constantly watching two little children and being well aware of all the older ones’ coming and going. Eventually I decided that the benefits outweighed the risks. I prayed for all of our safety, determined to be vigilant and lived out a weekend that was far easier in reality than the imaginings that were viciously setting their own little stages in my mind. The third trip was several nights on a houseboat, again with family and friends. I wrote about this recently, so I won’t bore you with the details, but my danger radar was working overtime and yet I climbed on board that boat with my children, one of them unborn.
If all that is stopping us is fear and what-if’s, we need to decide what voices we are going to listen to. When decisions feel larger than our limited frames of reference, we need to remember that we are not victims at the mercy of our feelings. The guidance and reassurance of God is available to us in many ways, our guts are known as our second brains and we have instinct which many of us have shut down as we have become more “intellectual.” There is a lot to be said for behaving in a more childlike way where we just believe we are loved and that the elders are looking out for us. We can play, be spontaneous and even behave recklessly – all will be well.
What is it? Is there a place you think you need to move to or a special person you want to marry? Is there a house you want to buy or a job you dream of leaving? Are there dreams brewing that take your breath away because they are too magnificent and too terrifying to do anything about? I read this quote, I don’t know who said it, and it’s got a swear word in it, the “S” word (which is not ‘stupid’ as one of my son’s believes), and I don’t want to lower the tone, but it really struck a cord with me: “Don’t spend another year doing the same ****.” It might mean you appear to fail, but if you learn from it and you get up again, it will only be temporary. People might call you foolish but that usually means that they are feeling intimidated by your gumption.
I really just wanted to write and say that I have often felt afraid but have done anyway what I knew needed to be done. The outcomes have surprised and encouraged me. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves how we will feel if we don’t go through with our idea. Will there be sorrow and lingering regret? Will a small piece of ourselves have to die because it will never be allowed to live?
No amount of security
is worth the suffering
of a mediocre life chained
to a routine that has
killed your dreams.
– Maya Mendoza
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