A friend of mine who knows me well says she knows that my life is not perfect, but when she reads what I write it can sound as if it is. This week we’ve been talking about ‘keeping it real’ and we’ve agreed life is just tough sometimes. The problem with looking at pictures on social media or reading other people’s stories is that we don’t always see the full picture. Jesus said in John 16 v 33: “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” Trouble is a given. We don’t need to pitch our tent in the midst of it, or use it as a middle name, but accepting that there will be trouble is a big step in the right direction. Those lives that appear perfect have just as many disappointments, upsets, dramas and chaos as yours does. When we find ourselves in a tough spot it does not mean things will never be alright ever again, but how do we live well when everything is falling apart? How do we survive the storms of life? How do we make it through to the good times again?
I certainly won’t have all the answers, but I have a few stories that I will tell and maybe we will establish a wise way forward by the end.
Have you ever made a milk tart base with self-raising flour, by mistake? What you want is a thin, crisp crust to pour all the sweet milk filling into, but what I created was more like a gigantic Yorkshire pudding that I had to, frantically, squash flat with a spoon as it came out the oven. This is not a catastrophe in the grand scheme of things, but it’s also not a first time mishap in our kitchen. Things don’t always go well for me in the kitchen, usually for two reasons. First one: I can’t seem to snap out of an optimistic belief that you don’t need to stick closely to recipes when baking. Second one: I start something at the stove and then begin a new thing outside in the vegetable garden and water runs out and pots burn and what was an easy-to-prepare meal turns into hours of scrubbing, finding new ingredients and starting again. I also have sons who eat the food I was planning to use for the next meal. They are allowed to eat around here but then communication is key, which is not always one of our strong points. So, trouble in the kitchen.
We find ourselves in a situation where our child, who has not been granted a foster order or adoption, can be taken away from us whenever they decide. I cannot find any literature that tells me how a mother must behave under such circumstances. Probably because there is none – nobody should ever have to be separated from their children or vice versa. If I did not choose to hope and believe that I serve a good God who finds nothing impossible, I would be wilting in anguish. Wilting and also on fire with rage because of the raw emotion I have seen in my husband and children’s eyes when this conversation pierces, once again, into our peaceful world. Mothering from a place of peace is a gift to be thankful for. Some of us have to work hard not to let fear take root and produce despicable fruit. In addition to this most pressing concern, I have been a mother for nearly two decades and I still haven’t figured out how to get babies to sleep through the night or how to deal with strong-willed toddlers. It’s a daily challenge and I need all the wisdom I can get. Troubles in mothering.
One of my dearest friends turned fifty this year. That is a big deal – a significant one to celebrate. The only way I could see her on the day was to be waiting for her as she left the chemo clinic after a long day of treatment. Perfect life, hardly. Brutal and unfair, more likely. I know we shouldn’t say “it’s not fair” but sometimes it just slips out. Still, there we stood, a group of friends hugging, singing, laughing, wiping tears and walking slowly together back to their car. We didn’t know then, for sure, that one day she would be free of what threatened to take her life. What we did know was that the best way forward was to hold onto God and his promises and one another because love is stronger than death (Song of Songs 8 v 6), and it never fails (1 Corinthians 13 v 8). I told you last week that I, recently, had a health scare. As I think of those I know and love, I could name disorders, syndromes, challenges, sicknesses and a variety of intolerances that I wish weren’t even part of our vocabulary. I have watched many of these loved ones live the largest lives, giving the ailment very little air time, and refusing to live under a cloak of un-wellness no matter what the doctor says. Health troubles.
We have a charming, old house and a very leaky roof. In one area we cannot even put furniture because it’s not a case of putting out a little bucket to catch the drops; it’s like a miniature version of Victoria Falls right there in the bedroom! One day we will fix it and we might have the best roof in the street when that happens but, for now, it’s a trial. This faulty house (which I love) along with pot holes large enough to destroy cars, broken systems, long queues and places that do not open on time because the guy with the key hasn’t arrived yet, make us work harder than we need to it seems. We bang our heads because we are organized people living in a great deal of disarray. It keeps us humble. We are grateful when things do go right. We keep living here in spite of it all because the pros far outweigh the cons and there is no place like home. Troubles of the day to day.
Something upsetting happened this last week and one day I will probably tell the story clearly, but it’s too raw and risky right now. For now, let me try to create a fairytale that will help our imaginations. Imagine you were an orphan and you discovered that you actually had a father. He lived in a faraway land and he sent word that he would come and get you one day but he couldn’t say exactly when. Over the years you learnt to believe you were a beloved son as he sent you letters and promises and affirmations of his deep love for you. In one of the letters he told you that he was sending you a carriage pulled by two of the finest horses. There would never be other horses like them because he had bred them specifically for you; priceless. One day, whilst you were watering your garden, you looked up and saw something growing on the horizon. As it came into full view, your heart leapt! A magnificent carriage, out of this world, but in a moment you noticed it was being drawn by only one horse; a big, lopsided emptiness under the harness where the other one should have been. The driver stopped beside you and informed you, casually, that the other horse had died on the way, but not to worry, the surviving one was doing great. Wow! A carriage, a horse, a gift from a father to his son, but somehow thankfulness and confusion swirled before your eyes, thrill and sorrow mixed, and all your senses crashed as uncontrolled tears poured out. Do you ever think “I don’t understand!?” or “I must have gotten the wrong end of the stick!?” Do you ever think the promise will never arrive or that when it does it will be broken? Not because it’s just what you think and you have a warped mind, but because it has actually happened before. My wise mother reminded me that the battle didn’t end when the Israelites entered the promised land. They had to keep fighting to KEEP the promise, the victory, the breakthrough. Troubles in believing.
Hosea 2 v 15 says “There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Trouble a door of hope. There she will respond as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. Really? A door to walk through right in the midst of the trouble! A way out! It isn’t the end of the story. Yes, we will be pressed in this life but it’s the pressure that turns coal into diamonds. The pressing of grapes produces wine. It’s the heat that drives out the impurities, creating purity and high value. I told you I don’t have all the answers. I am walking through the door of hope though and I hope you will too.
God is not a human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfil? (Numbers 23 v 19)
No word from God will ever fail. (Luke 1 v 37)
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and for ever. (Hebrews 13 v 8)
And now you will be silent and not able to speak until the day this happens, because you did not believe my words, which will come true at their appointed time. (Luke 1 v 20)
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23 v 4)
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, Your Saviour. (Isaiah 43 v 2)
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4 v 8&9)
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4 v 17 & 18)
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