When people ask me why I have got so many children, I often don’t have a good answer. It is one of those mysteries of life on many levels. I do, however, know some things clearly. If I go to heaven having had one less child than I was meant to, I will stand before the Creator of all life completely undone because He will look me, kindly, in the eye and say “I had so much more for you!” and I will only be able to reply with sorrow and regret “I know. I was just trying to fit in and be normal, but I know.” John Piper says, “The world does not need cool Christians, who are culturally saturated. It needs exiles with the scent of Heaven and the aroma of Christ.” Our fitting in robs us of something precious.
My life very nearly didn’t begin. I was conceived out of wedlock, to use an old-fashioned phrase. Not planned. A mistake. I’m sure some of you will throw your arms up at me in exasperation. “This woman is not keeping up with the times! ‘Out of wedlock,’what a laugh! As if that is even a thing nowadays!” you might cry. And you are right. I am hopelessly, confidently, out of date and fashion – constantly searching for the old, true, tried and tested ways to walk along. Forty-three years ago it was an outcry to have a baby when you were not in the security of marriage. Although it was a finger-pointing, stone-throwing topic then, it should never have been. Babies aren’t mistakes, that wasn’t and isn’t the issue, but God wants new life birthed where there is covenant. Birth is sacred, it’s not to be messed with. Those carrying new life are, somewhat, vulnerable. They need solidarity for their own sake as well as for the child within and the last thing they need, when caught in the family way, is judgement. They do not need to be punished, the consequences that follow take care of that all by themselves. I’ve always thought, that as far as consequences go, babies are rather lovely ones. Craig Hill says that a baby born outside of marriage is in a fragile position – as if it was born onto a pile of rubble rather than inside a fortress. God wants first breaths to happen in thick-walled towers showered with golden sunshine, not into building sites on a windy day. When God says we are to keep sex within marriage, it is not to spoil anyone’s fun. It is to keep us, others and the new life that comes out of such a union, safe.
I should never have been and then a doctor even offered to do away with my tiny life so that nobody would ever know, but I was a seed, packed with potential. The fire of God was in me then; in me and all around me like a wall and He said “You are the apple of my eye, nobody can pluck you out of my hand.” (John 10 v 28) My parents chose life. For them, there was no alternative. I am the first to applaud them – Brave hearts. It might not have been the easiest way or timing to begin a family, but they have always made good, right, life-giving decisions, even in the midst of a mess up. In our family, we mess up quite a lot and then we get better. We apologise, we forgive, we recover, we move forwards. We don’t stay in pits and pig sties, not for long. We are so busy minding our own business that I hope we won’t ever be the ones pointing fingers. We just don’t have time for that. Mercy. That’s what we all need in large, healthy doses. Mercy triumphs over judgement (James 2 v 13.)
And so the seed of my life swelled and, eventually, burst open when I was born. I found myself always choosing the sun, seeking water and reaching up higher to capture the air. Something inside of me has always resisted just settling, stagnating. Something deep in the very middle of me shouts “I love being alive!” I am hungry for more – more height, more blooms, more seeds, more life. More. More. More. When I see birth, I see Him. I see the One who rebukes death, the One who speaks a word and things that never were become things that are. And I am His child. What He does, I do. I am so like Him. You are so like Him. Obviously having babies is not the only outworking of this perpetuation of life. Have we forgotten that we are children of the CREATOR HIMSELF and that we carry His likeness? If we are not creating and ushering in new life in a million unimagined ways, then we have lost sight of something exquisite that makes up our very DNA. I nearly didn’t get a chance at life and I want to make sure that for the rest of mine, I do not miss out on a single opportunity to partner with the Source of Life in ushering newness into this world. Like a midwife whispering “It’s okay. You are doing so well. That’s it, dear heart. Baby’s nearly here.”
Some things are not alive today because we are terrified to conceive. It’ll cost too much. It’ll ruin our lives. The car is not big enough. Not with school fees to consider. I will never sleep properly again. It is my body and I am in control. It’s not acceptable. I’m afraid of the unknown. Don’t I already have enough? I won’t be able to cope. Those are lies that betray us before we have even begun. I suspect we would fall on our knees if God gave us even a glimpse of how fantastic we could be and how much life could be unleashed if we would stop long enough to ask Him “Is there more? Is there anything else?” We seem to have this idea that we should control this great, big God – who knows what He might do! It’s best if we take matters into our own hands, we think, but might never actually say out loud. But we can trust Him! He says that His blessing brings wealth and He adds no trouble to it (Proverbs 10 v 22.) Imagine risking all the tightly managed, very tidy, barren areas of our lives and saying “God, by your grace, kindness and favour I am capable of conceiving, carrying to full term and birthing the promise.”
Before I had children I felt compelled to say to the Lord “If you are looking for a mother, I am putting my hand up time and time again.” He heard me. How often do we get a dream in our heart and say “choose someone else, it is too big for me.” All the best ones are! There are things yet unseen, that are bursting to come into the light and you are the chosen vessel to carry all the seeds whilst God does the mysterious work of growing. I nearly didn’t get a chance at all this, and so I am thankful and alert to opportunity. My uncertain start was a gift. I’m so glad it happened that way. No matter what the start of the story is, or how messy the middle, trust God to keep writing. I see Him with a pen and a big smile and the only eyes we can fully trust are winking down on us. We probably have a lot to lose, I am not going to lie. But I’m convinced we have a whole lot more to gain.
This is what the Lord says: “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.” Jeremiah 6 v 16
He settles the childless woman in her home as the happy mother of children – Psalm 113 v 9
Psalm 68 v 20 – Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death.
A poem to send us off into the week:
Doors of Daring by Henry van Dyke
Barriers are invitations to courage.
The mountains that enclose the vale
With walls of granite, steep and high,
Invite the fearless foot to scale
Their stairway toward the sky.
The restless, deep, dividing sea
That flows and foams from shore to shore,
Calls to its sunburned chivalry,
“Push out, set sail, explore!”
The bars of life at which we fret,
That seem to prison and control,
Are but the doors of daring, set
Ajar before the soul.
Say not, “Too poor,” but freely give;
Sigh not, “Too weak,” but boldly try;
You never can begin to live
Until you dare to die.
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