People often make comments on the size of our family. Middle Eastern women would say we are only just getting started and would, probably, look down their noses at me, but where we come from it’s not the norm to have nine children. We are not, however, extremist or catholic or anything extraordinary. We simply find ourselves rotating around the Son (love this Ian Wilsher analogy) and as we walk by faith, look to Him and listen to His heart beat, our family has broken out of even the box we had for it.
This usually happens when we bring our limited selves before our limitless Maker.
Whether we are talking about a growing family or other big life decisions like what to study or where to live or what to do with our time there is a thread here, woven into this story, that will comfortably fit into any area of our lives:
1 Samuel 15 v 22 “Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams.”
I’m reading a book called Habits of the Household by Justin Whitmel Earley. I am so appreciating his openness, his insights and the real life examples he offers. He says that he is no expert and is in the trenches even as he writes. That’s how I hope you will read today’s post. I am no expert on mothering or family planning (clearly!) but I have a story to tell. We all do.
I’m willing to tell this part of mine only because I have been so grateful when others have been vulnerable enough to tell theirs. When we hear stories, especially true ones, our hearts wake up and conversations begin; we question what we are doing and why we are doing it and who we are doing it for.
People have often asked me if I am crazy and I have also been asked if I even know where children come from. My biology teacher once saw me at the shops and declared that I, clearly, wasn’t listening to a thing he taught, bless him. Maybe you have also been told that you are mad. Maybe as you follow God, you have also been told that you are not listening or that you are bucking the system.
As a small child I would sit with the giant medical encyclopaedia on my lap, pouring over the pages of a baby in the womb. I could not believe what I was seeing. Even now, I remember the awe I experienced as I read those pages. Father Christmas brought me a doll every year until I was twelve. Some girl children love playing with dolls, some do not. No doubts about which camp I was in. I journalled a prayer in my early twenties that went something like this: “If You are needing a mother for anybody, God, I am putting my hand up time and time again.” Way before the babies started arriving, God was stirring something in the mysterious depths of my make up. I think it’s probably the case for all of us, if we are honest. It’s not that big a surprise when our lives begin to unfold in puzzling, astounding, marvellous ways because in all our seasons we have been preparing for what is coming next. There have been thoughts, whispers and promptings; priceless invitations to co-labour with God.
I have seen Him give me a child from someone else’s womb and I have seen him give me eight from my own. They have arrived in the midnight hours under the beam of hospital lamps, as the sun was rising in the east and shining through a third story window onto the bed or into our very own bedroom surrounded by loved ones. One of them was driven into our yard one Tuesday afternoon and I walked out of the kitchen door and stretched out my arms to receive him; just-woken-up eyes blinking into my own hardly-slept-last-night eyes. Each child heaven-sent and having very little to do with us and a whole lot more to do with God. It’s how it is with seeds. We can only put them into the soil. We cannot force them to grow and we cannot cause harvest time to come. That’s the work of the Almighty.
As a young couple, we felt very spoilt to have our first two children. What more could we want or ask for? That is when the serious questioning began. Are we done? Is it all up to us? Is there anybody else? If our bodies are temples for the Spirit of God to dwell in and if we are called to be living sacrifices, how should we be using the bodies He has given us? Is this area under the Lordship of Christ as all areas should be? It’s sacred territory, a divine partnership. To think that God would make the first two people out of things like dust and bones, and from then on use those people to make more people. A continuous conversation with Him began. We became open to His Spirit directing, guiding and leading us into areas we might never have gone alone.
For us it has meant that we look more like the Barn Owls who, whilst other owls are laying two eggs and raising one chick, are laying up to twenty eggs in a breeding season. Their prodigious breeding means that the nest site is occupied by not only eggs, but a range of different sized chicks. I know what those Mama Owls are going through. It’s a juggle, but oh my heart, it’s a good one. Because I was made for this!
Many older couples have confided in us that their biggest regret was not having “one more.” As far as I can tell, the limiting factors to children arriving are to do with fear. I’ve certainly experienced it many times. School fees, car size, house size, grocery bills, sleep, our age and what the doctors are saying, societal norms and whether we have enough help all play into the fear of lack or the fear for our lives. These are all desperately valid considerations and there is always a tension, but I have discovered that God’s provision usually only comes when we need it.
It would be wonderful if all the conditions were perfect before we made decisions, but that is seldom the case. I wonder how many battles, adventures, dreams or quests have never occurred because we decided we couldn’t do it before we even tried. We weighed it all up and said, “It won’t work.” We gagged hope and shoved it into the bin in case it cried out and made us change our minds.
Children aside, what other seeds are being held in the depths of you, never to be planted because you are afraid?
(As for overpopulation, this post has no room for that topic, suffice to say that whatever information you need to back up your views, you will find it. I believe that humanity is the most valuable resource and that with every new human being born a new song, gifting, solution, cure or idea enters the earth too. I also believe that we are to be good stewards of this earth, no matter how many of us exist.)
If you long for babies, and they aren’t coming, I offer you my earnest prayers and hand squeezes. God will provide. He is the Father of Heavenly Lights who gives good gifts and He opens up what man cannot. I’m also always torn when I write about such things because I have friends who are single and would love to be married with children. They are incubating and giving birth to all kinds of other astounding wonders, but when a woman yearns for a child and doesn’t have one, that is a sorrow I wish I could spare her.
May the Lord provide and may your hearts be at peace.
My thanks to our family and close friends who haven’t disowned us along the way. Us living our dream has required much of them too, and they have risen to the occasion; allies and cohorts, fiercely united. Cheering for us as we do for them.
I believe that God is the Giver of Good Gifts and the Giver of Life. According to the Bible, children are olive shoots and arrows, blessings, gifts and rewards. When Jesus was confronted with them, he said, “Let the little children come to me!” When God is pro something, we can be sure He will speak to us on the matter. I believe that the word ‘hearken’ is key here – to listen to God and to our hearts, not to our fear, culture or even common sense.
Never let it be said that I encouraged anyone to have lots of children, that’s not what this post is about; but DO let it be said that I encouraged you to be authentic and courageous. Perhaps you are supposed to bear fruit in your lifetime that goes above and beyond the cultural norms, is more than you thought you were capable of producing, costs more, requires more of you and blesses you and the world around you profoundly.
Hearken.
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